Saturday, 17 January 2009

Amityville 3: The Demon

This is kind of cheating, cos I just got in with an hour to go of this film.

But the first thing I saw was a fat man being swarmed with flies slowly...slowlier still...still yet slowlier...OH FUCK THERE'S LOADS OF FLIES ON HIS FACE AND THEY'RE ALL IN HIS MOUTH OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT...

The fat man died. The main man character in the film assumed it was a heart attack or some such. The idiot. Obviously it was a bunch of ghosts.

Going from my slim knowledge of low quality 80s horror films, I presumed that a "3" in the title meant "3D". And with the amount of "Look over THERE!" and "Oh boy, my hand is going RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA! AND THERE ARE FLIES!" moments, I might just be right.

I remember the first Amityville Horror being genuinely a tiny bit creepy and odd, though nothing compared to the actual web of gossamer lies and media nonsense surrounding the actual case it was based on. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Amityville_Horror does a decent job of going through various tales and mess.

37 mins Ow, scary house wind.

42 mins "On the other hand, certain houses certainly do have an affinity for, I dunno, evil". The truth. From a scientist. In a crisp white coat.

44 mins "Did you know you can have sex with a ghost?" "Yeah, I read up on it." If only these horny teens realised the powers they were messing with!

50 mins "Only a man with your father's colossal ego would consider living there." It's the only way that he (and, by eventual dramatic means, you, his equally incorrect daughter) will ever learn to respect that most haunted of houses.

53 mins Fly in car leads to crash. How many more senseless accidents must we endure before we ban these compound eyed shits? Great bit of 3D - FUCK, LOOK AT THAT PIIIIIPE!?!

55 mins Ouija bourd (tm) led by girl who might just possibly be a young Meg Ryan. The board claims that Susan's going to get it. Me, I reckon she'll tough it out. Maybe she'll learn a few things along the way.

I leave the room for a second, and Susan's either dead or apparating as a spooky ghost in the house. Looks like Mum and Dad've gotta experience crap spooks alone. And the lesson...

er, don't be Susan?

1hr 7 mins There's a bubbling pool in the basement of the house. Both parents crouch by it. And there's their daughter all a-lungeing out of it, all wrinkly and stuff. But then Dad wakes up and it was all a dream. God, this film is an insult to basic thought processes. It's an insult to the overall 3 act structure of a particularly low concept edition of ChuckleVision.

1hr 14 mins SCARY BOOM MIC! COMING RIGHT AT YOU!

1hr 17mins Sub "I Dream of Jeannie" effects do not an effective horror threequel make.

1 hr 20 mins 3D mayhem. I feel ashamed that I don't have one green and one red eye. Demon from a pool, explosions and extras jumping...into...camera left right and centre. There's even a bit with a stuffed swordfish that just misses our brave hero. And the house falls to bits.

I was naive, I dind't think it could be as bad as it was. I give Amityville 3: The Demon a C+. This mark would be reduced to an E if any of the people involved had any idea what they were doing.

And it TOTALLY WAS Meg Ryan too.

1 comment:

Ian Mayor said...

Did anyone drop a box of oranges down the stairs? If not, it's not as 3D film at all.