Saturday, 17 January 2009

Amityville 3: The Demon

This is kind of cheating, cos I just got in with an hour to go of this film.

But the first thing I saw was a fat man being swarmed with flies slowly...slowlier still...still yet slowlier...OH FUCK THERE'S LOADS OF FLIES ON HIS FACE AND THEY'RE ALL IN HIS MOUTH OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT...

The fat man died. The main man character in the film assumed it was a heart attack or some such. The idiot. Obviously it was a bunch of ghosts.

Going from my slim knowledge of low quality 80s horror films, I presumed that a "3" in the title meant "3D". And with the amount of "Look over THERE!" and "Oh boy, my hand is going RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA! AND THERE ARE FLIES!" moments, I might just be right.

I remember the first Amityville Horror being genuinely a tiny bit creepy and odd, though nothing compared to the actual web of gossamer lies and media nonsense surrounding the actual case it was based on. does a decent job of going through various tales and mess.

37 mins Ow, scary house wind.

42 mins "On the other hand, certain houses certainly do have an affinity for, I dunno, evil". The truth. From a scientist. In a crisp white coat.

44 mins "Did you know you can have sex with a ghost?" "Yeah, I read up on it." If only these horny teens realised the powers they were messing with!

50 mins "Only a man with your father's colossal ego would consider living there." It's the only way that he (and, by eventual dramatic means, you, his equally incorrect daughter) will ever learn to respect that most haunted of houses.

53 mins Fly in car leads to crash. How many more senseless accidents must we endure before we ban these compound eyed shits? Great bit of 3D - FUCK, LOOK AT THAT PIIIIIPE!?!

55 mins Ouija bourd (tm) led by girl who might just possibly be a young Meg Ryan. The board claims that Susan's going to get it. Me, I reckon she'll tough it out. Maybe she'll learn a few things along the way.

I leave the room for a second, and Susan's either dead or apparating as a spooky ghost in the house. Looks like Mum and Dad've gotta experience crap spooks alone. And the lesson...

er, don't be Susan?

1hr 7 mins There's a bubbling pool in the basement of the house. Both parents crouch by it. And there's their daughter all a-lungeing out of it, all wrinkly and stuff. But then Dad wakes up and it was all a dream. God, this film is an insult to basic thought processes. It's an insult to the overall 3 act structure of a particularly low concept edition of ChuckleVision.


1hr 17mins Sub "I Dream of Jeannie" effects do not an effective horror threequel make.

1 hr 20 mins 3D mayhem. I feel ashamed that I don't have one green and one red eye. Demon from a pool, explosions and extras left right and centre. There's even a bit with a stuffed swordfish that just misses our brave hero. And the house falls to bits.

I was naive, I dind't think it could be as bad as it was. I give Amityville 3: The Demon a C+. This mark would be reduced to an E if any of the people involved had any idea what they were doing.

And it TOTALLY WAS Meg Ryan too.

Thursday, 15 January 2009

I Kill Giants

Happy mid-January!

I was originally going to type something about "Churchill: The Hollywood Years". But then I watched it and it was like watching a beloved relative wailing and slicing off their fingers. Like a black hole of funny. Awful awful film.

So instead I finished reading the best comic of 2007/08 and sat awestruck for a little while.

I Kill Giants is from Image comics, it's by Joe Kelly and JM Ken Niimura and it's the story of an outsider girl, Barbara, who's having trouble at home and school. She's also preparing for the oncoming attack of a terrifying monster whose coming prophecies the end of all things. Read the first issue for FREE AN SHIT! here:

It's just brilliant. Perfectly paced, hilarious and moving at the same time. And Niimura's art is incredible. I've tried finding out more about him, but it just seems to be all zine work and spot illustrations, anthology pieces. At first you might not delve into the art too deeply, as it's very nice and quick and energetic, and serves the frantic pace of the story very well. However, taking a closer look brings out so much detail that wasn't immediately apparent and each character and situation is amazingly well realised. I'd gush more, but I have trouble talking about art without just saying "Yeah, it looks WELL good". Black and white too, he grins.

The story is a clever one, which you're always second guessing. Everyone's seen a film or read a book in which Young Character X Escapes Into Their Rich Fantasy Life To Avoid Real Life Horrors. Well, this is of a similar vein but the way Kelly structures it has you guessing all the way. It's difficult to say much more without revealing too much plot, but you know those stories that promise a lot only to let you down at the end? Not one of them. Such a great piece of work, it really deserves to be held up as a classic example of accessible comics that don't dumb down to reach a wider audience. Mind you, though I imagine it sold very well as a creator owned Image book, it's a goddamn tragedy that more people haven't read it yet.

Until it comes out as a collected book anyways! Joe Kelly, thanks for a brilliant read.

And thanks to Churchill: The Hollywood Years for starting this all off, in it's own backwards abortion-of-a-movie way.