Friday, 11 December 2009

Get in!

Hurray! It did work! Thanks to Gary Bainbridge for the tips. No updates tonight cos I'm away out, but now I can, nay WILL update far more often. And to celebrate, here's a glowing monkey touching itself up.

Sent from my iPhone

Testing Testing

Ok, is this thing on?

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

I've Been Away Too Long


been far too long, grabbing some time at my flatmate's computer to squeeze out a quick bit of write-o. My computer died died died and until I get a new one sorted, it's unfortunately going to be a bit sporadic. Unless someone can recommend a good (and preferably free or cheap) blogging app for iPhone.

aside from enjoying the latest Paper Jam Comics anthology launch ROBOTS... AND THAT at the excellent Star and Shadow cinema on May 29th (you can read all about it and see all the pictures here, I'm the goon in the Charlie Brown shirt who seems to do nothing but POINT), I have been mainly doing little. Comics and TV wise I've been digging:

  • Morrison and Quitely's Batman and Robin (you might have spied a picture of this at the top. It narrowly won out over the picture of Batman and Robin kissing that was the first image Google brought up until I put 'Morrison' into the search field. I don't remember that issue.)
  • Mulholland Drive, which Jack turned me onto finally. I'm a real Lynch-denier, think he coasts along on his own reputation these days. But I am obviously blind, because MD was amazing, I really liked Twin Peaks and The Elephant Man anyway, and got drunk to Blue Velvet on Saturday.
  • Made for the Sci-Fi Channel movies. First got into these after they were utilised on THE SOUP, but simple funny clips cannot do justice to these mighty treasures of cinema! MOSQUITO MAN, LOST TREASURE OF THE GRAND CANYON (where Brenda from BH90210 gets an arrow through her and mopes around like a twat for what seems like days) and CERBERUS are right up there.

My favourite has to be a repeated TV movie from 1995 DEADLY INVASION: THE KILLER BEE NIGHTMARE. Starring AIRPLANE!'s Robert Hayes, it's just full of greatness. Nothing can beat the teenage couple making out by a billboard who don't notice they're covered in BEES. Or the BEES exacting a deadly revenge on the innocent townsfolk. Or, best of all, the wisened old farmer who leans on a fence, gazing out across the plains, only to remark in his low gravelly tones: "The bees... They are angry...". I love Killer Bee films. The Swarm with Michael Caine is brilliant (features some innovative Bees Eye View camera work), and it's caused me to give far too much credit to the awful Nic Cage starring remake of The Wicker Man, because it has BEES in it.

It's only a matter of time before I need to watch Shatner's masterpiece KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS again. I will be thinking about bees while watching it though.

And wanking.

Sorry, tangent. Not the best entry, but I blame this Mac keyboard. It's like using a lacquered ZX Spectrum, only someone's inflated my hands as a kind of test. Ergonomic my balls.


Friday, 27 March 2009


I know, it's been a month, but I've moved house and have yet to move my 'desktop workstation' into my room at the Fallen Men's Mission. So, I saw this on Evan Dorkin's blog

It appears to be a japanese show about terrifying children. I'd love to see a translation. They have some pretty awesome zombies in Japan.

Back soon.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

If you've got a minute

Why not investigate the brand new , which is the self-facilitating media node for the comics evening and all the "...And That" anthologies and upcoming events.

And if Ian Mayor wants to show me how to post a funny picture of a little bear wearing a waistcoat or something, I'd be glad to add that too.

Thursday, 19 February 2009



Didn't realise it'd been a month, but hey, it's not as if, er, it matters?

I've been itching to talk about the absurd mess that is Lexi Alexander's PUNISHER WAR ZONE. But I got home and found TRUE IDENTITY featuring a real American actor with an American accent and everything on TV so... Hang on! Why, that's our own Lenny Henry! In his ill-fated attempt at transatlantic stardom from the past!

The best thing I can say is that Lenny Lenny Len's hairline is phenomenal throughout. Really. it's like a boiled egg with cress growing out of it.

"I'm in my apartment practising my Shakespeare, when suddenly the Terminator arrives and there's bullets flying and shit!"

So, the plot is:

Lenny Henry (Miles Pope) Miles Pope (Lenny Henry) finds out that the man he is next to is a mob murderer or something when his plane nearly crashes . So, his friend (back home in New York City, U S of States because he is from America) who can do this kind of thing, puts a bunch of make-up and prosthetics on him and makes him into Jamie Oliver. Because this way the men who would like to kill him for knowing that the man on the plane has killed some men will not be able to find him, because they are looking for Lenny Henry. Who is a man that, you know, no-one in the whole of America would ever recognise anyway.

I'm not sure whether it's the slight air of offensiveness or the fact that it's almost preposterously unfunny that makes this film an absolute gem. It's said that this was the first in a three film deal with Disney to make a star of Len in that America. And that said deal was withdrawn after they made a film that not even Dawn French would pay to see.

ALL HE DOES IS DO 'BIG EYES' AND LOOK NERVOUS! That old bit where he impersonates Steve Martin is literally 100 times funnier than this entire film. I can't find it on YouTube unfortunately, but it's really good. To my memory anyway.

Look, there's not much more I can say. The few jokes that are not about Lenny Henry looking like Jamie Oliver are about Lenny Henry using a British accent and being black. When pretending to be American. Which must have just killed his soul to perform. Poor bastard. Surely in NINETEEN NINETY ONE people had come to terms with, you know, British people who were also black.

It is funny when he is pretending to be James Brown though. And when the taxi driver says 'Great Google Moogle!'

PUNISHER WAR ZONE another time, when I can channel the ire better.

Saturday, 17 January 2009

Amityville 3: The Demon

This is kind of cheating, cos I just got in with an hour to go of this film.

But the first thing I saw was a fat man being swarmed with flies slowly...slowlier still...still yet slowlier...OH FUCK THERE'S LOADS OF FLIES ON HIS FACE AND THEY'RE ALL IN HIS MOUTH OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT...

The fat man died. The main man character in the film assumed it was a heart attack or some such. The idiot. Obviously it was a bunch of ghosts.

Going from my slim knowledge of low quality 80s horror films, I presumed that a "3" in the title meant "3D". And with the amount of "Look over THERE!" and "Oh boy, my hand is going RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA! AND THERE ARE FLIES!" moments, I might just be right.

I remember the first Amityville Horror being genuinely a tiny bit creepy and odd, though nothing compared to the actual web of gossamer lies and media nonsense surrounding the actual case it was based on. does a decent job of going through various tales and mess.

37 mins Ow, scary house wind.

42 mins "On the other hand, certain houses certainly do have an affinity for, I dunno, evil". The truth. From a scientist. In a crisp white coat.

44 mins "Did you know you can have sex with a ghost?" "Yeah, I read up on it." If only these horny teens realised the powers they were messing with!

50 mins "Only a man with your father's colossal ego would consider living there." It's the only way that he (and, by eventual dramatic means, you, his equally incorrect daughter) will ever learn to respect that most haunted of houses.

53 mins Fly in car leads to crash. How many more senseless accidents must we endure before we ban these compound eyed shits? Great bit of 3D - FUCK, LOOK AT THAT PIIIIIPE!?!

55 mins Ouija bourd (tm) led by girl who might just possibly be a young Meg Ryan. The board claims that Susan's going to get it. Me, I reckon she'll tough it out. Maybe she'll learn a few things along the way.

I leave the room for a second, and Susan's either dead or apparating as a spooky ghost in the house. Looks like Mum and Dad've gotta experience crap spooks alone. And the lesson...

er, don't be Susan?

1hr 7 mins There's a bubbling pool in the basement of the house. Both parents crouch by it. And there's their daughter all a-lungeing out of it, all wrinkly and stuff. But then Dad wakes up and it was all a dream. God, this film is an insult to basic thought processes. It's an insult to the overall 3 act structure of a particularly low concept edition of ChuckleVision.


1hr 17mins Sub "I Dream of Jeannie" effects do not an effective horror threequel make.

1 hr 20 mins 3D mayhem. I feel ashamed that I don't have one green and one red eye. Demon from a pool, explosions and extras left right and centre. There's even a bit with a stuffed swordfish that just misses our brave hero. And the house falls to bits.

I was naive, I dind't think it could be as bad as it was. I give Amityville 3: The Demon a C+. This mark would be reduced to an E if any of the people involved had any idea what they were doing.

And it TOTALLY WAS Meg Ryan too.

Thursday, 15 January 2009

I Kill Giants

Happy mid-January!

I was originally going to type something about "Churchill: The Hollywood Years". But then I watched it and it was like watching a beloved relative wailing and slicing off their fingers. Like a black hole of funny. Awful awful film.

So instead I finished reading the best comic of 2007/08 and sat awestruck for a little while.

I Kill Giants is from Image comics, it's by Joe Kelly and JM Ken Niimura and it's the story of an outsider girl, Barbara, who's having trouble at home and school. She's also preparing for the oncoming attack of a terrifying monster whose coming prophecies the end of all things. Read the first issue for FREE AN SHIT! here:

It's just brilliant. Perfectly paced, hilarious and moving at the same time. And Niimura's art is incredible. I've tried finding out more about him, but it just seems to be all zine work and spot illustrations, anthology pieces. At first you might not delve into the art too deeply, as it's very nice and quick and energetic, and serves the frantic pace of the story very well. However, taking a closer look brings out so much detail that wasn't immediately apparent and each character and situation is amazingly well realised. I'd gush more, but I have trouble talking about art without just saying "Yeah, it looks WELL good". Black and white too, he grins.

The story is a clever one, which you're always second guessing. Everyone's seen a film or read a book in which Young Character X Escapes Into Their Rich Fantasy Life To Avoid Real Life Horrors. Well, this is of a similar vein but the way Kelly structures it has you guessing all the way. It's difficult to say much more without revealing too much plot, but you know those stories that promise a lot only to let you down at the end? Not one of them. Such a great piece of work, it really deserves to be held up as a classic example of accessible comics that don't dumb down to reach a wider audience. Mind you, though I imagine it sold very well as a creator owned Image book, it's a goddamn tragedy that more people haven't read it yet.

Until it comes out as a collected book anyways! Joe Kelly, thanks for a brilliant read.

And thanks to Churchill: The Hollywood Years for starting this all off, in it's own backwards abortion-of-a-movie way.